Day with my mom

Today is finally the day I get to hang out with my mom!  It's only been a month since I last saw her, but I'm excited anyway.  We're very close (although she's knows nothing about my, um, self destructive habits), and I think it will be a great day.  Also, I've been losing a decent amount of weight (don't want to jinx it so knocking on wood...and hoping my desk is legit wood and not fake paint), so I look okay.  Sadly, my straightener broke this morning, but I have naturally straight hair so it's not devastating.  Aaaand I got acrylic nails yesterday with one of my friends, and they look very pretty.  I'm a nail biter, so I was sick of having ugly hands and nails.  They're currently painted a deep purple, which suits me perfectly.  I'm a big fan.

And I also have a little update on what apparently went on last weekend when I was blacked out and wasted out of my mind.  Apparently, I made out with a coworker?  And not only that...it was a girl.  In my defense, she started it and tried to kiss another girl, too, but I was so drunk that we just went at it.  Afterwards was when I face planted and probably became more of a wreck.  Fortunately, I didn't actually get sick until I was home, which explains why none of my coworkers mentioned it (thank god!)  At first, when I heard this story, I was horrified, but then I quickly got over it and realized it's just kind of funny.  I feel like when girls make out, it isn't really a big deal.  Neither one of us swing that way (it's fine if people do, of course), and we were just wasted.  Besides, guys find it a turn on sometimes anyway...It's funny that I had an odd feeling in the back of my mind and glimpses in my dreams this past week of making out with her, but I pushed it back and just thought my mind was going crazy.  I guess my subconscious remembered.  Good thing, too, that this other girl I work with informed me that I was hilarious, and she had a blast and "soooo much fun" playing beer pong with me that night.  Phew!  I was worried I made a complete idiot out of myself, but if I was entertaining in a positive way then I did my job!

Likely going out tonight, too, but my game plan is to not black out, to not drunkenly eat (which I succeeded last weekend in that arena), and to wake up in my own bed again.  Wish me luck!  Oh, and not get sick...I do work tomorrow, after all.

Ironic

I have a little funny anecdote from today, if you want to call it that.  So I was at work, in my little cafe, and a rather cute medical student came to buy some coffee.  He's one of our regular customers and was feeling chatty, asking how my coworker and I were doing.  She said great, and I gave one of those little (adorable, ahem) grunts.  If I've never mentioned it, I'm a chemistry major (Note:  anyone with the option...don't choose chemistry as your major...it sucks) so I have a ton of homework, stress, and projects to worry about, all which fry my brain.  And unfortunately, most of the work that weighs down on me is weekly, so as soon as I finish one assignment, the next is already being assigned.  It's never ending.

Anyway, he laughed (cutely), and joked for a while as I got his coffee.  But one of the things that he said is why I titled this entry "ironic."  He glanced at our plastic cutlery and said, "Don't let her near these sharp objects.  Only spoons for her!"  Or something like that.  Now, it was highly amusing, and I definitely laughed...but at the same time, I was inwardly thinking...shit, if only they knew that I already use pointy objects.  Of course, the reason being my self abuse has nothing to do with chemistry, which while I complain about the load of coursework, isn't what actually stresses me out in life.  It's just what I verbally complain about because I'm not going to complain about my self destruction, fatness, etc.  But I thought you would enjoy the story regardless and had to share it.  I wasn't offended by any means...and the guy was cute (which I've mentioned at least three times already).

So hello, Irony.  Thanks for entertaining me today and making my boring life somewhat interesting.

Mama Visit

My mom's coming up on Saturday, and I'm really excited.  We'll probably be going shopping, which usually consists of her trying to dress me to her liking (I swear she thinks I'm a doll sometimes) and me choosing some frilly, romantic looking sweater instead.  Our two style's are completely different, but I admit that she does a pretty good job guessing what I would like anyway.  She's more of a Talbots or Chico's kind of person, like most moms, while I like to dress as a cross between a free spirit and country club girl.  I am obsessed with lace, chunky knits, scarves, long necklaces, and anything gold.  I'm basically covered head to toe with lots of layers, showing absolutely none of my form, which further irritates my mother.  I have that "hour glass" figure, but I like to cover it up...although I am secretly proud that I have a very small waist...too bad I cover it up anyway haha

One thing I'll have to be extra careful about this weekend though is making sure my arms are fully covered at all times.  That's really not a problem for me, considering I'm always wearing a long sleeved sweater and the weather is cooling off, but lately now sleeves have become, not just a preference, but vital.  You might be able to guess why my arms can't be shown to the public, and I'm a little embarrassed about it.  And no, it's not because they're excessively fat (although they are, in my opinion), but people would be a little shunned by the little lines currently littering my forearms.  I feel like I've already been headed down a self destructive path (clearly), and this is just yet another hump that I had to cross.  I don't go very deep because requiring stitches isn't really my goal; it's more just that I feel like I deserve it.  And it's probably more of that dark secret obsession that I seem to have.  It's something I can call my own.

Speaking of which, has anyone noticed that there's going to be a special on eating disorders on E! ?  My roommate was mocking it earlier, and I know that I'm DEFINITELY not going to be around to watch it. I think the word "awkward" doesn't even begin to explain how I would feel if I did watch it, especially with a roommate who doesn't think I have a problem...which is best but yeah, not watching it.

Drunken nights not meant to be remembered

...where to begin...well, I woke up Sunday (morning? afternoon? no idea?) with what I knew to be a horrendous hangover.  I woke up in a pool of my own vomit with unknown substances in my hair on my shirt, and on my sheets.  I felt like death, basically, and as soon as I was able to move I took a shower in an attempt to get clean.  But I didn't do a very good job of it because my stomach began getting queasy again. So afterwards, I removed all of my sheets and hobbled back into my bed, where I laid pathetically for the rest of the night.

I don't know how I managed to get that wasted, but I'm thinking the chugging of the vodka straight out of the bottle had something to do with it?  The beginning of the night was great fun, but I'm just assuming it didn't end well.  Don't really want to know, to be honest.  And my wrists and pinkie finger are killing me, which makes me wonder what the fuck I could've done to them.  Did I crawl around or something?!  Ugh...it's going to be embarrassing running into people I know.

Note to self:  to avoid further embarrassment, do not start chugging random liquors straight out of their containers.  It's generally not a good idea.

But since when does self ever actually take its own advice?

Poem time

Lately, I've been obsessed with "Song to say goodbye" by Placebo and "Falling Again" by Lacuna Coil.  I should add them to my already depressing track list on my blog, but until then, I highly recommend them.  Good songs.  I also wrote a lot of poems yesterday in my sleepless stupor, so I thought I'd post one while I contemplate whether going out and meeting with friends or wallowing about last night (a night of bingeing, purging, taking lots of laxatives, and other abusive things)...I'm in a better mood today, though, because I'm wearing a pretty, new sweater.  Now for the poem:


Clouds roll by in the moonlight sky,
passing shadows where the darkness lies.
Hidden creatures watching the figure,
a black cloak that keeps getting nearer.
The pale skin glows alabaster white,
eerily vibrant in the dimming light.
A chill falls upon the sumer land,
as the ghostly being raises its hand.
An omen so dark that the owls cry,
and all that is passed, left to shrivel to die.
The world has tasted a piece of hell,
the figure serving as its warning bell.
A caution to all of the future still,
where all will be food for the devil's fill.


Creepy, I know...

Sleepless nights

I decided not to sleep again last night, choosing to listen to music, drink red bull, and put off my homework.  I also binged earlier in the night and didn't purge because I'm trying not to get caught (my roommate was home).  The guilt definitely was weighing down on me, which was why I chose not to sleep.  I will be living off of exorbitant amounts of caffeine to make up for it.  Finishing chugging my black coffee now, then grabbing a huge sugar free red bull, some diet pills, and heading off to class.

Also when I put in my contacts, they burned my eyes and I had to take them out and throw them away.  Fortunately I had an extra set, but not how I like to start my day...although technically yesterday never really ended since I didn't go to bed.  I'm idly wondering how long I can go without sleeping, but I know I tend to start semi hallucinating when I go for too long.  My roommate is going home tonight so I'm hoping to do my personal self destruction in peace for once.  Pathetic.

Oh and side note, I randomly took a knife and carved "fat" into my forearm...I keep staring at it and am sickly proud of my little brand.  I shouldn't be, but I can't help it.  As if I needed more reminding of my overly large size anyway...but maybe I will finally get back on track so I don't need that reminder.  Thank god the weather is cooling off, too (ish), so it's easy to cover.

F***ed Up?

Sometimes I wish I could just be a complete and under disaster.  I'm jealous of fallen starlets, people with legit problems, past abuse...terrible of me, I know.  I'm sure that those people all wish they could restart and will their problems away, but here I am beckoning trouble.  I think part of the problem is that I already feel like a waste but yet I'm still failing at that; I can't do anything right.  What's the point of being a little fucked up?  I'm definitely a person of extremes, easily addicted, and full of contradictions.  I want to be in chaos, I want to be a wreck, and I want to fall.  I feel like I've been on the edge for so many years, faking things too well and sashaying through life with a phony smile plastered on my face.  If someone found out about the things I do in my own personal time, then they would be shocked.  When I had a complete mental breakdown this summer over my birthday weekend, my parents were floored.  They'd never seen me in such a state, (they think I'm fine now and that it only happened because I was living alone this summer), but the only reason they haven't seen me like that is because I choose not to let them.  I just lost my control that time.

I guess I'm just tired of having minor problems.  I obviously have eating problems, but I'm not full fledged bulimic and clearly not anorexic since I'm too fat anyway.  And I may be depressed and slightly suicidal, but I've never cut (although I think about doing it all the time) and I'd never have the guts to actually kill myself.  I may be inwardly satisfied when I'm in pain, try not to sleep so I can feel more miserable, and have these strange fantasies of being tortured...it all sounds so wrong, but I just don't think I deserve any better.  And to top it all off, it never ceases to confuse me how I got this way in the first place.  No one raped me, no one in my family does drugs, my parents are happily married...so what happened?  Not having any trauma or reason for my problems makes me feel worthless and like a pointless tragedy.  Maybe that's why I tend to create problems on my own.  Is it wrong for me to wish such harm upon myself?  I think I'm just desperately seeking a reason, but logically hoping for something to happen now is a little ridiculous and belated.  But that just goes to show how fucked up I am anyway.

I'm sorry for anyone who has had such dealings in the past and please don't be mad at me for this post.  My mind is just very screwed up, I think.  And I love you all and thank you for all your comments.  I don't know if you understand just how much it really does mean to me.