YAAAAAY

No, you're not imagining things:  the ticker has moved to the right.  Okay, so I only dropped below 145lbs by less than half a pound, but still!  I can't believe it, and I am ecstatic.  I'm determined to get below 140 so that I can get a new swimsuit.  My first goal weight is 139, and I'm only 5 pounds away.  When I weighed myself a few minutes ago, I had just taken a shower and had a dinner that consisted of a 100 calorie salad and part of a cantaloupe.  Other than that, I've had some tic tacs, a bullion cube, and sugar free werthers, so today has been stellar.  I should be less than 200 calories total for the day or slightly above.

This is a quick post because I simply could not contain my excitement, especially after such a crappy night last night.  Fortunately, it's all over with and I am done with finals as well.  All in all, it's a good day...well, weight wise...can't say much for the other aspects of my life.  But does anything else matter anyway?!

Truly Alone

A few hours ago my roommate knocked on my door with "something important to talk to me about."  I had a sneaking suspicion what she was referring to, but I had no idea she had known for so long.  She wrote me a note, and I guess she just wanted to express her concern before she left for the summer.  Obviously she's worried about me living alone.  Hell, I'm scared myself.  But she said she wouldn't force me to do anything and has been researching how to deal with the issue.  I guess her research has paid off, though, because she was really understanding.

Anyway, a girl I've been texting (not Arii) didn't respond to my message earlier today, and when I sent one later to tell her how my roommate found out, her mom texted back instead.  She's a really nice woman, though, and wasn't really angry with me.  I told her I would delete the contact and was sorry.  And I stayed true to my words.  I told her to tell the girl I hoped she would get better and be happy.  The mom told me I should tell my own mom because it would break her heart if something happened to me.  This woman is lovely, and her touching words actually made me cry.  I can't stop.  I know she's right, but how do you tell a parent something like this?  At first, I felt completely alone and my heart stopped when I read that initial text, but her mom has given me some strength...isn't that weird how that can happen?  I thought she'd hate me.  It's refreshing to know that there are such kind people in the world.

Thanks

Thanks for the support, ladies.  I don’t know if you understand how much it means to me, but your comments are very dear to me.  I’m like a little child on Christmas morning every time I see there’s a comment.  My little brother is feeling a bit better, but I know it’s only a matter of time before something throws him back down.  I know there isn’t really anything I can do for him, and I can’t take away his pain.  I suppose for now I’ll just have to settle with being his sister.

Yesterday, I had less than 200 calories, yet I still feel guilty.  I guess because when I think about what I put in my mouth, it’s a very long list…just a list of low calorie to zero calorie things, like coffee, tea, diet pop, pickles, broccoli, gum, etc.  I even ate two marshmallows which I picked at for a very long time…they have no fat and are relatively low in calories.  Plus, I don’t like them all that much, and you can’t exactly binge on marshmallows.  At least, I can’t.  Today, I’m currently at work, procrastinating for finals, drinking a soy latte and slaughtering a green apple.  I’ve been using a plastic knife to scrape off the skin of half of it and then taking little nibbles of its flesh.  It’s been over an hour since I began my dissection, and almost the entire apple is still intact or simply skinned.  I’m sure, no, I’m positive, that I can stretch the life of this poor little guy for the next two hours of my shift.  It’s a great way to keep me occupied.  Perhaps, I should always just take a few apples at work and just start skinning them with the occasional small bite.  I tend to just eat and eat and eat at work because there’s nothing else to do, but this kills two birds with one stone.  Barely eat and have plenty to do!  Awesome.

I go home on Tuesday for a week or so since classes will be over, and I was just home last Tuesday morning for Memorial weekend.  I can’t believe how incredibly slow this week has been; it’s literally been dragging on forever!  I cannot wait to go home and check out this new brooding spot that has been occupying my mind endlessly over the past few days.  I am an epic brooder.  I will just sit and think by myself with soothing/depressing music for hours.  I really don’t need human interaction.  It’s overrated.  But I remembered my little spot randomly the other day.  It’s about a mile from my house hidden in these woods by the golf course.  A tiny little stream runs through it, and you can hike over some rocks to get there.  It’s pretty much in the middle of nowhere, and people don’t exactly stumble across the area on a regular basis.  I remember trekking through those woods many a time when I was little after tennis sometimes.  It would be a perfect place to go when I want to be myself.

:(

My little brother was in tears yesterday.  Something happened, and he snapped.  My mom sent me a message that her heart was breaking, and I wanted to cry myself.  It tortures me to know that my little brother feels so devastated about something, and I just want to take away his pain.  We're very close, and I think I can honestly say that he is one of my best friends.  I know he'll always be there for me, and he looks up to me.  I called him and tried to give him advice, knowing how similar the two of us really are.  We're both tortured souls, I think, and I just wish he wouldn't go through this like I do.  Luckily, I managed to make him laugh a lot last night, and he talked to his friends and apologized for getting mad at them.  Now things are better.  He thought his friends wouldn't want to be friends with him anymore, but I told him it takes a lot more than a little fight over essentially nothing to damage a relationship that far.  And I was right.

My mom has told me before how alike my little brother and I are, and I wonder if her heart breaks about me sometimes...doubt it.  I don't know, but I just feel like she doesn't worry about me that much.  It could just be because she doesn't tell me obviously and expresses her concern to her friends, but it still makes me wonder.  I feel as though when I call, she always puts me on speakerphone, starts talking more to herself than me, or talks to people around her instead.  It's as though I'm never a priority.  I know that I call frequently, but we rarely have an actual conversation, which is why I keep calling.  I keep hoping that one day she will actually understand me for once, but I suppose that's too much to ask.  Don't get me wrong, though, I'm extremely close to my mom.  We're almost like Lorelai and Rory from Gilmore Girls, or at least, that's what a lot of people keep telling us (we have a lot of the same banter).  But as far as emotional things, I'm pretty much a vault so she doesn't know what is going on in my mind.  I want to tell her that I need help so that for once in my life I can be happy, but once that door is open you can't close it again.  And I'm pretty sure I'd immediately want to slam it closed.  You can't really just open it quietly and peak through the crack to the other side...it's too bad because I'd really like to know what's on the other side before I go knocking.

I'm an emotional wreck today, as you might be able to tell.  I just want my little brother to be happy and wish I could bare his burden for him.  I'm already a mess anyway.  I guess that's how you feel when you really care about someone, but he is my little bro after all.  I call him, "little dude," and we have all these little inside jokes and quirky behaviors.  I miss him a lot, but at least I see him on Tuesday.  Why can't innocent people like him always be happy?  Why does he have to be depressed, too?  It's just not fair.  Such is life.

Two Words

It's been a while since I posted last time, and I apologize.  Today I had a mini binge of about 1000 calories, ugh, and purged it.  Then I begrudgingly went out in public because I had to turn in my class schedule so my bosses can create the work schedule for the fall.  While doing this, I ran into one of my friends and my future roommate for next year (different than the one I have now).  She was working and made the implication that we needed to hang out since it's been so long...plus, she's leaving for D.C. soon for the summer.  Her request shattered my plans for the night, which consisted of wasting time doing nothing before heading back to my apartment, popping four laxatives, and spending the night in my bedroom and bathroom as needed.  I was somewhat torn between what to do because on one hand, we haven't hung out in a long time and she is starting to think that I don't want to, but on the other hand, I really really need to take those pills and get all this vile waste out of my system.  After inwardly debating for a while and leaving her to finish her shift at work, I finally decided on the plan that I knew I would ultimately pick anyway:  I'm waiting for the laxatives to destroy my stomach now.

It's sad that I chose little pink pills over a friend.  God, that makes me sound like a druggie.  I swear I'm not because I don't take them every day (uh, other than last night and today...), but I think everyone would agree that laxatives, diuretics, and diet pills are not exactly the same kind of addictions.  You're never tired and think, "Oh, I need my lax fix."  I mean, seriously, that just doesn't happen.  I do, however, notice when my stomach feels bloated and decide which upcoming day would be ideal for taking a whole bunch of laxatives.  I don't wan to take them and be in public just in case.  When I took one last night, I went to work and my stomach was literally trying to kill me.  Let's just say, it was one of the worst work shifts of my life.

Now, onto more important things.  I was talking to Arii today, and she decided to steal more adderall which she has mentioned in her posts before.  Naturally, I told her she was very sneaky, and it was at that moment how much I looove that word.  My two favorite words are now "sneaky" and "frolic".  I think I say frolic several times a day.  So I've been trying to figure out a sentence that could use both of those words in a relevant context.  If you guys happen to think of a good one, please let me know!  This is clearly very important haha

Fast

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life, which was a significant improvement from my mini panic attack.  I don't want to bore you with the specific events of my weekend, but in a nut shell, there was lots of  tennis, parties, pool, golf, and more parties.  I belong to a country club that happens to be in my neighborhood (pretty convenient), and I live the stereotypical country club life in the summer.  It's a lot of fun, though.

Anyway, today I start The Book Diet, so I'm fasting today and tomorrow...lots of black coffee and tea.  I have to read Wuthering Heights this week for the diet as well, but that isn't my top priority since I'm midway through Dracula right now and need to finish that first.  June 3rd through 7th is up to 400 calories of soft foods, like baby food, fruit, yogurt, etc, with exercise and the completion of one book.  The diet essentially uses reading as a distraction from eating and is similar to the ABC diet because the plan changes frequently so you don't get bored eating the same things.

If anyone wants to join, let me know, and thank you sooo much for your encouragement the other day.  I really needed it, and it's so nice to know that people care especially since I can't talk to anyone else.

Panic

I'm overwhelmed.  I want to cry, curl up in a ball, shut my door, and never leave.  I'm watching myself in the mirror and the only words that come to mind are:  pathetic, shameful, worthless.  Words cannot express this miserable feeling, the knots in my stomach, and the rapid panic of thoughts running through my head.  You might wonder what started this sudden realization of my self worth, or rather lack of it?  

I went to a graduation party with my family, intent on not eating since I'm on a liquid fast.  I wore a cute pair of blue wedges, an ivory lace dress, and gold jewelry.  It was cute, and I felt somewhat decent until I arrived.  Then the overwhelming feeling creeped slowly over me, and I was too tired to smile, too tired to make conversation, too tired to stand there.  I just couldn't fake being happy, and the strain behind my smile was unbearable.  So I said hello to the usual people and hoped I could find the window of opportunity to leave.  I didn't eat, only drank some black coffee even though it was already boiling outside.  There was a girl there who I've been friends with since we were little, but I hadn't seen her in a while since she goes to college in Florida.  She's a brainiac and going to med school.  One of the moms came up to talk to us and asked my friend about what she wants to do after graduation...well, after my friend went through her plans for med school, where, the mcat, etc., I just started feeling like, "Oh shit, what the hell am I doing?!"  I know what I want to do:  I want to graduate with my chemistry degree, get a job, and then get an M.B.A.  I do actually have a plan, but when compared to medical school...I just felt like a bum.  So the woman turns to me and asks me the same question, and I freeze.  I wanted to run away, but there was no where to go.  My mind went completely blank, and I couldn't respond coherently.

There's more to my story, but I'm too tired and exhausted to type it.  Plus, this literally just happened and I just got home.  I just want to go to bed and wake up to tomorrow.  I've only had 60 calories today.